ENcourage: Thank you, EVERYONE, for all your kind, caring concern.... (and yes, a Doc is in order)

Posted by Christine on March 17, 2008 at 00:21:18:

It is DEEPLY appreciated.

I clarified, some, in a reply to a post below, regarding the status of said "collapse."

I apologize again for alarming anyone. Well-- I WAS alarmed, myself! I've been run-down for such a long time now (the ongoing financial stress/anxiety/panic), and with all these abrupt added changes and ensuing stressing and anxiety-- well, frankly, I was expecting too much from my body... expecting it to live up to its usual "survival mode" (which is the status I constantly live in)-- only this was pushing the envelope 100x. And it took its toll-- AND FAST.

Don't they torture people in 3rd world countries by depriving them of sleep? I went 72 straight hours (betw. Sunday and Wednesday) with only THREE HOURS OF SLEEP. I'd lost all ability to function by Thursday morning. After the "bus incident"-- I crashed on the couch and slept --and via calling out Thursday-- something to the effect of 15 solid hours. My back was killing me before finally rising, but Lord how I needed that. Again, see my story below.

Again, I apologize for freaking anyone out. (Tho I did freak MYSELF out!)

What I am realizing is that the snowball of drastic changes that have occurred in my job within the last month have sent my cortisol levels THROUGH THE ROOF-- even higher than they already are.

--First week of February, our call center shut down to 7:30, from 11:00pm. That meant major scheduling overhauls (and team switching on the floor) to all who worked the 2nd shift (like I). Only, I work on a management team who governs the outsourced agents who work from home, all across the country, via online communication. The 2nd shift of our team (5 out of 10 of us) were then sent home. We spent that first week of February (the call center shut down at 7:30 the end of week prior) packing up our stuff, and getting all the software to install in our home computers to get the remote hook-up to all B&N applications. From 7:30-11, we were alone in the building, 5 of us. It was so eerie. I'd gotten so used to my easy 7 minute commute and comfortable working in the call center with all it's daily interaction and conviviality (despite a select few I disliked). Unbeknownst to them, just SEEING these people and addressing them and being addressed BY NAME everyday made them a form of family to me (as I really have none of my own to speak of). It was basically my only form of socializing, be it in the lunchroom or over the water cooler... etc. Now working from home-- all that would be zapped away.

--Second week of February, the working-from-home began. It was a MAJOR transition. In some ways ideal... however, when you live with mentally ill people... people with no self control, no respect, and no sense of boundaries... well, that makes it difficult to concentrate on your job when they don't see you as "being at work." My biggest fear was them having screaming matches in the next room while I was on the phone while on escalation duty. (Escalations = when a customer DEMANDS to speak to a supervisor while on the phone with a regular CSR.) Via a remote phone system, the calls get fed to our home line. And we have to deal with the raving lunatics within the confines of our own home. I worried about the filth infiltrating my bedroom (where I have my set-up)... but after a couple of weeks, I settled into a comfortable routine. Actually-- after 4 weeks, I came to TRULY appreciate working in my pajamas, giving my scalp a rest by not doing my hair for nearly a month, listening to music while working, quickly switching back and forth between the BN desktop and my own with the internet... something we didn't have access to at work, etc. I'd FINALLY adjusted to that major change, even though it was very isolating at first. I'd go 5 days w/o seeing the light of day. But it became really cool. Then BAM--

--Second week in March-- I was shuttled not only to the big city... but with a completely different shift (no more 2:30--11pm, but 9-5) with little notice... getting respectable clothes out of storage... a long commute... having to ready myself to impress in a corporate environment... take on a completely different role that I was working. BIG CHANGE. TOO MUCH CHANGE. TOO FAST. TOO COMPRESSED. Even if there was GOOD CHANGED mixed in there... IT WAS TOO MUCH TOO FAST.

And my body just crashed from it all. (Mainly the shock of the 180 on my circadian rhythms. Then the mass transit commute. Then the impressing of the big-wigs at corporate.)

I can tell my cortisol levels have run amok beyond the amok they've been for years now. My PCOS symptoms (caused by high cortisol levels in the bloodstream, which causes insulin resistence, which causes PCOS) have gone berserk... way out of control. I'm losing a ton of hair from my head (I'm even taking biotin to help with that) and gaining it even more in places common for PCOS sufferers -- at RECORD levels, which is alarming in and of itself.

I need to get my ass into the GYN (I'm due in April.) then to my ENDO (whom I haven't seen in a couple of years, since I last had my cortisol tests.... and she did absolutely nothing for me). Once they ruled out Cushings (thank GOD)... it was back to ______________ blank stare. I could fill in the blank for her more than she could for me! The only way to reduce corisol levels (which create the horrid dommino effect) is to lower stress levels. (HA) After all, I was the one who had to get my (former) GYN to diagnose my PCOS back in 2000!! I researched it and had to tell HER what hormone tests to give me!! All the "standard" once always came out "normal." Sure-- normal. One day you wake up looking like Billy Gibbons. Yeah normal. No cures. No magic pills. Just maintenance of the MILDEST degree... like taking BCP just TO GET A PERIOD. I have to de-Gibbons myself every other day and it sucks. Used to be once a week... then twice... then every other day... now every day!! THAT'S HOW I KNOW... Oh, and did I mention packing on weight like no tomorrow when I hardly eat at all?

Sorry to go off on a tangent. Just wanted to reassure you all that I AM going to a doctor or 2... maybe NEW ONES who will FINALLY treat me properly... as soon as I reach this stinkin deductible our insurance company has. I'm GRATEFUL to have insurance (yeah, which I have to pay into), but it's absolutely INSANE that we have BOTH an in-network AND and out-of-network deductable! What's the purpose of in-network then?? I think they combine... so I'm waiting for my therapy visits from January-on to fulfill it before I go. Thank God my therapist is working out an arrangement for me so that I can see her barring deductible.

I'm hoping the week ahead will be better.... though look at the hour. Still can't get myself to sleep earlier yet. Sigh-- but I'll work on it more this week.

Thank you again, for your concern... and for reading this novel.

I'll catch up a little bit each night.

Hugs,

Christine