ENcourage Connection

Hi everyone. I have a quick question, with a long backstory, but I'll try and make it quick. I've had agoraphobia for 20 years this October. The past 2 years, I've really tackled it, and feel the worst is over. I'm driving on four hour trips for the weekend with no problem. I'm also doing public speaking now with no problem. The problem is, now that I've virtually beat it, instead of feeling elated, I see what a wreck it's made of my life. I have family that have seen me through these years, but I didn't make many friends, and only one has seen me through all of this. Now, everyone I know is married and have their lives going, but mine seems to have passed me by. I've tried going out with groups, but their always in their 20's and I have little in common. Everyone says don't worry, you'll find someone and you're life will come together, but it doesn't feel like that. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else feels that way after they've beat the agoraphobia beast? It feels like I've traded agoraphobia for depression. I guess I'm wondering, how do you catch up and get the life skills that you were supposed to get 20 years earlier? Thanks!

• Hello Jeremy, 17:38:16 09/09/2009 Vita Luna (1)
  • Re: Hello Jeremy, 21:01:43 09/09/2009 Jeremy (0)
• Hi Jeremy 13:23:29 09/09/2009 Anna Banana (1)
  • Re: Hi Jeremy 16:14:12 09/09/2009 Jeremy (0)
• Re: A quick question 21:30:20 09/08/2009 Pat at ENcourage (1)
  • Re: A quick question 04:33:42 09/09/2009 Jeremy (0)

In Reply to: A quick question posted by Jeremy on September 08, 2009 at 20:02:24:

Congrats on working through the agoraphobia for the past 2 yrs. Sounds like you are in a good place with your recovery.

I used to think about the years that this disorder had taken / stolen from me and eventually you just have to accept it & yourself and move on. The past is the past. Look how far you have come. Concentrate on that and keep going in the direction you are going.

As far as finding friends or groups to connect with, just keep trying them on until you find friends or groups that fit. You are putting yourself out there and that takes guts.

~Dawn

In Reply to: Hello Jeremy, posted by Vita Luna on September 09, 2009 at 17:38:16:

Hi, Vita Luna. Thanks, I am trying to look forward, and usually I do. I do need to keep trying new groups, it's just tough to keep meeting new people after years of trying to avoid them. It's tough to turn off that defense mechanism, but I'm trying. :)

In Reply to: A quick question posted by Jeremy on September 08, 2009 at 20:02:24:

My anxiety started in my first year of college, and even though I managed to get my degree (it wasn't agoraphobia at the beginning but more OCD) I've always felt like I had to give up on a lot of good things.

I had plans, and for a while I clang to them hoping that I would be able to carry them on once I got better.

But by the time I got better those plans just made no sense (even though I still wanted them, but I wanted them as I wanted the past back into present, if that makes sense). Moving on meant giving up on my dreams, so for a couple of years I was in a rut. I was practically recovered from agoraphobia, but I didn't dare looking for a job, or taking any decisions that meant moving in a direction that didn't include my old plans.

Eventually I learned to appreciate what I had and to think that what couldn't be maybe wouldn't have been so great after all. Maybe yes, who knows.

I also have that feeling of having been stolen some years of my life, but I think that I've learned a lot of things that are really helpful to enjoy life, and that most of the people who I meet don't seem to know. So I feel lucky for that.

I don't know if this has helped in any way, but I wanted to let you know that I understand what you're feeling, and that I believe each person has their own personal rythm of life, and everything happens for a reason. So there are still lots of good things waiting for you, and now you have a wiser view to enjoy them.

A hug from here,

Anna

In Reply to: Hi Jeremy posted by Anna Banana on September 09, 2009 at 13:23:29:

Hi Anna Banana! Love the name! Heheh! Thanks for the encouragement. It is like we have another life to live. The one we planned on in the past is gone, and we have another one we have to plan. It's almost like being in prison for a crime you didn't commit. You have to start life over and do the best you can. At least, we are out of prison, though. :) Hugs back at ya!

In Reply to: A quick question posted by Jeremy on September 08, 2009 at 20:02:24:

What a great question, Jeremy! And congrats on making such a profound difference over the last couple of years. I'm sure many of us really appreciate the effort and courage that has taken to accomplish....

No matter who we are or how long we've dealt with the fear, I think we all feel some level of depression when we think we've been sort of robbed of all that could have taken place during that time. I know I felt that way.

Personally, I put off having a family, so now I'm a 54-year-old mom with a 4th grader!! :) Granny-Mom! ha
But, I know for a fact that I'm a MUCH better parent than I ever would have been if it had happened previously. All the anger and frustration I had, simply disappeared, when it all fell together, and when I realized how great it all turned out in the long haul.

I missed out on SO many things over 20 years, too. I sympathize.

Not sure if this helps much, because right now you haven't seen those things you've wanted fall together quite yet. But I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are certainly not alone in those kinds of feelings (they are valid); and I hope that you rest easier knowing that for some strange reason things have a way of working out that is often better than what we'd planned for.

On top of it, all the people who have NOT had to deal with what you have dealt with are often missing some skills that YOU now possess. You lived through something immense and became stronger for it.

Hope the passage of time will unfold beautiful things for you, Jeremy.

Stay encouraged,
Pat (Mrs. ENcourage)

In Reply to: Re: A quick question posted by Pat at ENcourage on September 08, 2009 at 21:30:20:

Thanks for the encouragement, Pat. It's nice to know you aren't the only one who has lost years in this. I am usually very upbeat about it, but sometimes it does get to you. I'm actually planning my first real week vacation in 20 years and I am excited about that. I feel like that is the final nail in the coffin of the agoraphobia. I never ever thought I could beat it. I really thought I'd just have to live with it, but it is beatable. I've just got a lot of catching up to do. Ha! Thanks again.