ENcourage Connection

I could really relate to what you wrote....

I moved away from home just before I turned 19, which was a painful decision, as I was so close to my parents and family. But I had a persuasive (read: manipulative) wannabe-rock-star boyfriend in CA, so I drove to L.A. to be with him, and immediately had to go into grown-up mode with lots of drama and stress to go with that"

I left home when I was 20 and pregnant, one of those...
"I made my bed and should lie in it" moments.
I didn't have a great family life and my parents NEVER tried to persuade me to THINK about what I was doing which was sad when I look back if only!!!

I too had to go into "grown up mode" but with hindsight compared to my duaghter who is now the same age I was more like a 15 yr old not grown up at all and if anything I had led a sheltered life.

The hardest part was not knowing my ex husband well enough ( which is why he is now my ex husband) and having the responsibility of a new life to think about.
Like you mentioned,I was an anxious kid... a worrier,I had huge responsibilty as a child for my parents emotional "Tanks" I was the peacekeeper, the one who "Controlled" situations to stop them escalating.
I comforted my depressed mother who was distant and "Unavailable emotionally...re assured my egotistical father who had low self esteem,who manipulated my "soft heart" until it melted...I was about 11 when I found my father with his head in the oven with the gas on...and there were countless like this and eggshell moments which I had to control so they didn't get out of hand.

My problems started when I realised that no one was there for me... except me.
Becoming a parent... when I was the one who needed "parenting" was another pressure, another "Caring role" that I struggled with emotionally right from the get go.
I was intense, I was neurotic and I was sometimes overprotective with my baby and somehow felt completely responsible and mistrustged peoples motives.

I use to ask myself God what would happen if something happened to me? who would protect her, I know most new parents have these thoughts at some point but for me it was the trigger for the hypochondrea - that awful fear of dying and not being there to see her grow up....to protect her and just be the mum I always wanted became an obsession.. the same old Control but under a different guise.

The rest as they say is history... 27 yrs on and I am still a Control freek :/ some days I am so anxious I don't answer the phone, the front door, sometimes I lie so people wont be able to visit and I have NEVER had a Panic attack in front of anyone except my partner Jack... this is my BIGGEST, most scariest thing of all...I don't have a support person, that thought is alien to me, I have ME AND ONLY ME 24/7 all people ever see is Chrissy who says she is Agoraphobic but that is just a word... all I ever hear from people is... You just don't look anxious I would never have guessed.

And why? because I am a MASTER at control, whether its by avoidance or by "Acting" no one sees the inner turmoil.
I have even managed to hide it from Jack, without even knowing I do it..I lean on no one.
And this is where I am at today...no life to speak of, its like I just exist I know there is "Healing" and I truly believe that I could embrace the fear and feel it but only if there are no people on the planet LOL.

I don't know how to let go...

My sister is at the moment going through inner child healing group therapy and this is something I know I would benefit from... but I am terrified to be vunerable in front of people...especially my sister, she keeps telling me all about it and I always become very emotional but I swallow the tears :(
A while back an old school friend sent me 2 photo's (I think I posted them here) the reaction I had when I opened them was scary, I felt so sad for the little girl I was! does anyone else get that? I said to her... what chance did you have.

So any suggestions of how I can begin to heal and let people in would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post,it was just Pats reply made me realise I wasn't the only one who struggled when I first went out into the big bad world, Thanks for sharing Pat.
Chrissy xox

• Hey Chrissy.... 20:45:16 07/21/2009 Why (0)
• Control Freaks Anonymous :) 17:10:12 07/16/2009 Pat at ENcourage (0)
• {{{{ Chrissy }}}}} 11:02:53 07/16/2009 Vita Luna (0)
• "I don't know how to let go"... 07:58:16 07/16/2009 Kate_1 (0)

In Reply to: Oooh look what I have been missing... Pat I loved your posted by chrissy on July 15, 2009 at 17:21:25:

You are so wonderfully brave to share so much of your story, so much of yourself. You feel scared but a truly scared person would not be able to come out and even share a little bit with us here.

You say you don't allow anyone to see you anxious, and yet you're here posting.

You asked for suggestion about, "how I can begin to heal and let people in?"

I say you're already doing it, by being here. Just keep doing it, continue, and perhaps extend it to those around you in real life. It's hard at first (I know this from experience, as I had to hold things inside when I was a kid too), but if you do it once, it's easier the next time, and then even easier after that. You HAVE the courage, you just need to take the first step when you're ready.

About the inner child, I know that too well. I know my spirituality may sound a bit different from what most are used to, but I'll mention it because it has helped me tremendously to understand myself and also to heal. And the inner child has come up a lot in my work, on a shamanic path.

My suggestion to you would be... if you are used to being alone but do not feel ready yet to show such vulnerable parts of yourself in a the group therapy that your sister is going through, then why not work with your inner child on your own? Start by looking at that photo of little you. Look at her, cry if that is what you feel like doing. Ask her questions, ask her what she needs. Ask her what you can do to bring her back, or to keep her with you. Talk to "her"... little you... as if you are talking to your own child, and you sound like a wonderful mother so maybe this will come more naturally to you than you might imagine. Then maybe write down things you think of, things she says or tells you. Maybe draw pictures that she would have drawn. Allow her to speak, as you would like to speak... or would have liked to have spoken back then, when you had to hold it all inside. You have the power to do this if you want to, and you might find it very healing. It's just a suggestion.

Big Hugs to you, Chrissy.

Robyn

In Reply to: Oooh look what I have been missing... Pat I loved your posted by chrissy on July 15, 2009 at 17:21:25:

Hey, Chrissy! Thanks for sharing your story, too. It seems a good thing when we can all see similarities and learn from one another....

I appreciate all you said here, and it is easy to relate to!

When I had my print newsletter, I remember finding several sources of info that reported that the average age of onset (of panic/agoraphobia) was around age 20. Pretty telling, isn't it?

In my long trail of therapies, one psychologist asked me to drive to his office, and bring my tennis shoes. What??! I did as he asked, and he drove me to a big mall in the Phoenix area, where lots of people were congregating and shopping.

He was a bit of a character in terms of looks, in the first place. We both put on tennis shoes and he had me jog through the indoor mall with him!! He was trying to assess, I think, how I reacted to being seen or watched----by being in this pretty conspicuous situation.

Frankly, it didn't help me out all that much as I told him that this only made me laugh. It was only the panic and its sense of helplessness that it evoked that made me want to NOT be seen. Running around a mall like a fool did not upset me; panicking felt far scarier in my mind.

Still, I got the point, and I know I'm not all that cozy being the center of attention in any circumstance, panic or not.

I have often wondered, "Would it just be a good idea to get it over with? Shall I just get on an airplane and start to cry and hyperventilate and go hysterical and get on the news and be sent to a hospital in some faraway, unfamiliar city and have a breakdown of some kind and be put on horrible meds and upset my family and spend the rest of my life in fear of doing it again? LOL I am being facetious, but have often contemplated letting the "worst" happen just to let it go once and for all.

The truth is, I know that if I purposely got on the plane and TRIED to freak out, I wouldn't be able to. That's the reality of it all. The cure, as it were.

Some of my anxiousness died after my parents died. I had dreaded that with such depth of emotion for my entire life, and as a kid, I felt that if anything happened to them, I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. When I lived through all the unpleasantness of illnesses, hospital times, ambulances, witnessing horrendous suffering, etc., then all the anticipatory anxiety of a lifetime faded away. It still makes me sad and even angry sometimes to think about what they had to go through, and I miss them awfully, but anxiety-wise, I had had "the worst" happen, so there was nothing to dread there anymore. Does that make sense?

Anyway, just sharing a bit more about control and how it manifests for each of us.

For me, I understood that I feared "the unknown" more than anything else. I still work with that.

For a while, I wondered if the need to let go was a sort of fatalistic surrendering to potentially awful things. Later, I came to BEGIN to recognize letting go and allowing was far from resignation. It was freedom, and the best kind.

:)

Have a wonderful day, everyone.

L,
P

In Reply to: Oooh look what I have been missing... Pat I loved your "some answers reply" posted by chrissy on July 15, 2009 at 17:21:25:

What a horrendous burden you shouldered as a child.

I know you are terrified at the prospect of losing control in front a group of people, but what about one on one with a good therapist?

You are holding onto so much shit and I hate to hear or see you suffer any longer. It's been way to long already.

You need to let go of your control to be able to gain back control over your life.

Chrissy, I was abandoned by my parent's when I was 5 and that made me view the world as big and scary - back then and as an adult. But alot has changed these past 4 years when I entered into therapy. The work at times I had to do was f****** scary but I came out of it a much more healthy person. I still deal with some things in regards to abandonment but those moments are so far and few between now. I want that same thing for you.

Thinking of you and I hope that you will be able to find the strength you need to seek out whatever kind of help you can.

Hugs,
~D

In Reply to: Oooh look what I have been missing... Pat I loved your "some answers reply" posted by chrissy on July 15, 2009 at 17:21:25:

Neither do I, but as with all things, we can try to practice it in increments.

I've often asked myself "What do I want to let go of?" I answer, as most of us are wont to do, FEAR, I want to let go of fear! But haven't we determined that we will have fear no matter what (hello, we have panic disorder!) and it is what we FEEL about that fear that should be let go?

So we FEEL having fear in front of people - shame based - isn't okay with us. The reasons are immeasurable - the way we were raised, insecurity issues, still trying to "hide" our disorder since we consider it a major stigma.

From the inside of this disorder Chrissy, it's huge, it's sucks a lot of time energy and life right out of us - but the truth from the other side of this agoraphobia? It doesn't even make a dent in other people's lives. Certainly they are worried and love us - but what does it matter in the scheme of your neighbour's life that you poop your pants with fear if she talks too long to you? It might be but a tid bit in her day - she isn't laying awake at night, and every night subsequently.

Letting go of that may be the first step.

At my age, I sometimes count out change at the grocer's. I wouldn't be caught dead doing that in my 20's. Now, I want to get rid of my change, so people can just wait in line behind me - I have lost the will to care - That was a step in the "letting go" ladder for me! :) Little steps!

My older sister did similar therapy as yours - I am not ready (wanting? able?) for it. I'm working on my "now" moments - maybe I'm avoiding - but it's what I can do. My sister does her thing, I do mine, neither of us are better nor worse. I did have to ask her not to delve into it with me, because I am not currently in therapy and I don't want to go about the issues she brings up blindly on my own.

Protecting myself from other people's issues and asking them to differ to professionals - another step in my letting go ladder, no?

Chrissy, are you ashamed of me? If I lived nearby and told you all this, would you point and laugh? Would you be ashamed of being seen in public with me while I'm having poopy pants panic? Food for thought for me as well. We are so ashamed of being this way that it stops us from going out!

Thank YOU for sharing your story. No matter how you were raised (an no it wasn't fair, right nor okay) you get to be you right now. Give yourself permission to be - just you.

My two cents :)