Posted by Anna Banana on May 09, 2007 at 08:47:37:

I'm no longer feeling depressive, but I'm anxious! ugh.

Today, some minutes ago, I was having lunch and I've noticed how all my head was in tension, and I've felt dizzy. I've told myself "ok, this is anxiety, calm down". But you know how it works. I've started thinking that maybe I have something in my brain, and that I might pass out and then they would call an ambulance, and yes, doctors would sure save my life, but yikes.

Then my heart has started to feel weird, and then I've noticed how my stomach got all tense. Needless to say, nobody's noticed a single thing, and I've kept eating until I've got up and left the table. I hadn't finished but it looked as if I just weren't more hungry.

I'm feeling weird. This morning I was very happy and instead of relaxing I've started cleaning and washing clothes and "being productive", in a hurry, all the time.

At work I'm forced to be in a hurry all the time too. You can't imagine how stressing it is to work in a kindergarten! But it used to be funny. Now my insecurities are starting to bug me again. When a child cries I feel very bad, I imagine his/her parents looking at me and blaming me. There are always at least 9 children with me, the older ones are one year old. So of course, when one cries, all of them cry. And I feel extra guilty and stressed and try to do all I can to calm them down, but I only have two arms.
It's also because of the boss, who gets very suspicious when she hears a child cry.

I also feel very insecure with parents, I never know what to tell them about their children, I always feel like they are judging me, when I guess the one judging me is me. I guess I lack experience, but most of all I lack confidence.

I can feel my back tensed all day, and at night it's difficult to sleep. I keep thinking and thinking about all the things I have done in the kindergarten, about what the parents may dislike, etc. Gosh, aren't I obsessive!

All this tension, together with other tensions, are making me feel more nervous than usual, I guess. But anyway, I'm feeling better now, not as nervous as some minutes ago. And I just wanted to share, as always. Thanks for reading and for being there :-)

• Re: Here I am again 12:47:16 05/09/2007 starr7462 (1)
  • Thanks Starr 03:09:22 05/11/2007 Anna Banana (0)
• Bonjour 11:09:03 05/09/2007 Kate_1 (1)
  • Thanks Kate 03:06:54 05/11/2007 Anna Banana (0)

Posted by starr7462 on May 09, 2007 at 12:47:16:

In Reply to: Here I am again posted by Anna Banana on May 09, 2007 at 08:47:37:

i am so glad to hear you are feeling better it give hope to others, i went outside today for the first time in almost 2 1/2 weeks i know thaats not really a long time but it worryed me because i had never done that. but anyway i am so happy for you. the panic attacks hopefully will go away too. thank you so much for being here you help me just with your post.
starr

Posted by Anna Banana on May 11, 2007 at 03:09:22:

In Reply to: Re: Here I am again posted by starr7462 on May 09, 2007 at 12:47:16:

I'm glad that you're feeling better too! It's all a matter of babysteps, it takes time but it does get better. The more you do one thing, the less scary it gets. And the more time you spend in the sun, the more you want to be outside and try things (at least in my case).

A big hug from here :-)

Posted by Kate_1 on May 09, 2007 at 11:09:03:

In Reply to: Here I am again posted by Anna Banana on May 09, 2007 at 08:47:37:

Aww Anna, that does sound familiar to when I was working. I was an English teacher to the French speaking people here, and the summers we had to do the summer camps - MANY MANY kids, all clamoring at me, all cute and lovely, but at the same time I was a mess. I too feared parents judgement, bosses and the kids emotions were so raw, they made me want to cry!

Please remember, they cannot read your mind. Unfortunatly only we can do that. That old anxiety tape is coming back to haunt you, but let's view it as a lesson to be learned. Let's use it to our advantage. Time to slow down, time to tell that inner anxiety to ef off :) and this is a GREAT time to seperate yourself from what you think others want from you.

It's our own little world in our heads. NO ONE is thinking those things about you. So you are not as experienced as your boss, accept it. He/She hired you right? The parents just want a safe environment for their kids to drop off while they work, and I'm sure you are giving them 110%.

Anna Banana is not perfect, no one is, and that is A okay. Shrug your shoulders and move on.

After work, take walks, exercize, go out with family or friends, take up art class...I used to come home directly being so tired then I'd obsess about what I might have done different all night...Not the way to go.

Our anxiety pays us a visit when we feel vulnerable, and a demanding job such as yours is a perfect scenario. Then we add on our own little hell in our heads, well, bingo. First rule is to accept it. Then go with "no big deal" - my two cents :)

Posted by Anna Banana on May 11, 2007 at 03:06:54:

In Reply to: Bonjour posted by Kate_1 on May 09, 2007 at 11:09:03:

You're right, that's exactly how I feel. I go back home straight after work cos I'm feeling soooo tired, and then I start thinking and thinking and thinking. I'll try to find something to do after work, even if it's a little walk around the corner. And I'll try (I'm trying...) to separate what I do from what others think. In fact I don't think others think bad of me, it's just me thinking bad of me through others, lol Oh, anyway...

I used to be an English teacher too, but at home. I taught English to 3 9 year olds (well, they grew up and I taught them until they were 11). It was nice, but hard too. It's amazing how children can see your weaknesses and insecurities in a second, and then play with them just to see where they can get. I was very insecure of me as a teacher (wow, what a surprise! lol), and whenever I had to raise my voice to make them behave, they would go "oh, really, you don't know English, you can't teach, what a teacher". They made me feel so bad! but they adored me, and learned a lot, they were only testing me. I don't know why I like children so much, lol

Oh anyway, thanks for your words :-)